i promise this will be my greatest life's work

but forgive me if i lie. and all i can think is... i know no longer have this drive to say anything. no thoughts or strings of words to speak of perfect poetry. and yes i stay high i drink i eat as many pills as you put in front of my face... but i know theres more to find. i know how to find it, how to get there but i cant. i cant find the strength to leave your side. you say you promise to cheer on the sidelines never leave me after the race has been won even if not by me. but thats why i love you. thats why i only want to spend my life with you. to have the things i want to have the things we need i need to work harder harder for everything. like you. i need to work harder. indiana make it mine. yes. and you know what i thought today. how funny two states are done by two kick ass bands. hahaha. youd have to live where i do. and no one would. hahaha. i love who i am i just know i can do more. ohio is for loves and i have indiana who is mine. (insert cute meg and dia and hawthorn heights mix) if only i were so clever but this is the best ive been doing.
o but the beer tastes good tonight.

yes

anyway....

the beer flows and i wait for it all to hit my veins
max, pick me up and nod your head
acknowlege you can understand these words
because im not sure i can anymore
and lately these words have become much more personal
i could write about illusion or contusion
but you already have me in strings
strings of the words you leave me lost in
and yes i wrote those lines sober i dont promise these
you know, i dont promise a lot of things
i rummaged my pockets for days searching for something
so much more than me
but you know, i came up with nothing
and amber my smile was so real
i could hardly hold it by myself
im happy your in love and want nothing for you than that
i said something, quite geniune things
i mean i almost cried as i apologized for all i said
you parents made the perfect person you are
and of course, its you
the one i love and am constantly thinking of
which is an understanding that you are my everything
i shall grant you any spill you desire and as these are my deepest
jen you keep calling but i stopped remembering how to answer the phone
as it begins... 3... 5... 2....
you left me for him and thats how its always been
tosha, all of you
it still hurts and nothing has been fixed
fuck
this that you and them
im fine and thats how IVE BEEN

umm, a lot of the xanga entry became the poem. im drunk. as always. and whatever. fuck it. hahaha. o well. yay i remembered my xanga password. david if you are reading this.... i miss you so so so very much and tell luke i miss his lame fucking ass. uhhh... blah. fuck that. hes a cool kid though. ick. find me. someone.

not that it matters anyway.

we fought. i begged. he loves me. just not in love. i guess. if thats what you call what i thought the both of us were trying to do. everything has been ruined. everything has been broken. i dont know what to do. i tore up the book i made him and i feel like maybe that was all that was left of us. of being in love and spending your life with your soul mate. o well. i mean theres more to life right. ya. thats what they say anyway. but im just counting down the days until he decided hed rather be alone. just fucking. and crying. and knowing that this is pathetic. i am pathetic. i hate what this has turned into. i hate what i have turned into. none of it matters even though it feels like the most important thing.

its been a long long time but if you have forgotten then yes i have too

there's no more pain when you are not human anymore. there is no more drama when you are not upon that stage. but we all are... in, one or the other. there is no more sacrifice when exhaustion prevents our being from giving. but not just this being but all beings. just as homo sapiens we concentrate on the negative. and live and relive the mistakes we have made as the universe expands and contracts. if you believe in that shit. and i guess i do... or i want to. the plant K-PAX has enlightened me along with my own choices as to how to live my life. and when you decide for youself its not that hard.

my life will be spent perservearing. both in career and the things that i want. adolescent beliefs are not in play here. these are my so called real life skills shining thru. she helped me all through that hardest year of my life (so far) and things are only getting better. she said i looked lighter and happier and i can only agree when all i had to say was good news and no lies to feed to anyone anymore. especially and thankfully not to myself.

i am human. but i have an understanding as an 18 year old adult that some who have graced this beautiful yet tragic place for 46 years.... i understand i will have pain and it is my choice how i deal with it. we all have that choice. or will.... even (and once again especially) in the most pampered and sheltered lives to be lead here. and that sometimes is what makes it harder. you have choices. and they are endless. you will not always find yourself in a happy state but contentment is within yourself and the pain can be held and sought thru.

dont head these words. they are written mostly for myself. but tomorrow brings a new beginning-school. most of my former peers who i worked side by side with for a good chunk of my life have already made this same leap. some are enjoying and some are resenting but i am just thankful. because no i do not want to be working this job, i want so much more and that takes work. so thank you for giving me the oppurtunity and intuition to know what to do. tuesday brings a new job with a $1.40 raise and i hadnt even needed to leave the house. its coming together even if everything had once fallen apart. its coming together and i know what to do...

on one last note: we are all beings. we are all life. not just humans, not just your domesticated house pet...but your plants, the animals locked in zoos... everything. maybe it would do us all good to remember that- there is enough life on this planet for atleast five more. maybe we should take care of it a little more. im not becoming a hippie because the peace sign and a joint wont fix this problem and maybe it is already too late. our destructive ways will make this so but there is more to be seen and heard than you can actually see and hear. our minds have such power (look at savaunts and others that are said to have mental "disorders"). we have only brushed upon what it is capable of with our sciences so far.... *a challenge* and i guess thats what im working for. to understand and be among those-

dont sweat the small stuff: look at everyone, even those who piss you off, as though they are much more enlightened than you, and there is something to be learned from them. because there is. a being can learn so much from any other given being. promise. but you must really listen.... really listen

-those who can teach me.

Currently Reading On a Beam of Light By Gene Brewer see related

darling, lets make enemies: i have far too many "friends"

its nice to know who really cares and at one low point i had that positivity to shine through. this doesnt really mean anything- it only upset me when they called my phone and i didnt know the number. i suppose you could just get over it. hey thats what i reccomend. but i cant seem to listen to the words spilling from this uncensored mouth. thats how it works these days. everything feels good even when i feel violence build. it is this anticipation. it is this... and who i am today. im comfortable no matter what they say. its the choice to strive on as if we arent machines. the choice to overlook the fact pretty girls will always make whores. and i guess these understandings bring me closer to humanity. even the rage. i loved that movie simply because "jean-baptiste" reminded me of you. his hands and yours. they way they grace my face. your eyes capture me still. indochine. hahaha. the love story: rage, suffering... and undeniable happiness. but that is what love is. a complicated combination of the most intense emotions. and thats why i want to cause her pain. it has nothing to do with love.... its to feel alive. we know our existance is truely flawed when we find acknowlegement in other's pain. and i love this day.

soft arms and solace: go ahead. eat my fucking heart.